Not too long ago I was fighting for a post idea. I had recently had a conversation in the super-secret-lawyer-chat (applications are apparently now open again) about furries, and decided “I bet there’s some crazy legal shit that goes down with furries.” A google search, however, didn’t come up with anything out of the ordinary.
Then the heavens opened up, and someone sent me the drama that is the Furry Cease and Desist Sovereign Citizen.
So, yesterday this Twitter post was brought to my attention. It’s from a member of the “furry fandom,” which, if you aren’t really familiar with it, is a fandom that consists of people that create large, talking animal alter egos. Hey, I don’t judge. Some people like getting spanked while wearing diapers, some people prefer Pepsi to Coke, and some people like dressing up like…what is this…Tasmanian Devils and shit and engaging in fantasy roleplay. I once played a Bard in a D&D campaign, it’s all good in Boozy’s hood.
The thing that got me wasn’t the “furry” aspect, but the Sovereign Citizen aspect of the whole thing, once again proving that some people have insanity so strong it can bleed right the fuck through a fursuit.
Continue reading “Free Furry of The Land: When SovCits and Furries Collide”
Let’s talk about briefs, baby/Let’s talk about Rule 12(b)!
Once again, there’s a reason lawyer don’t write song lyrics. Mainly because we’re incapable of processing actual humor past a certain point in our career and end up telling jokes that include Latin phrases and case names. Jesus, we’re a boring lot of assholes when you get right down to it, aren’t we? Mostly because of the shit we have to put up with on a day-to-day basis, not just the clients but also the drudgery of the work that we do. I mean, Law & Order is great, but it sure as hell isn’t an accurate depiction of the life of a lawyer, criminal or civil.
I tell my clients, especially when they start climbing up my ass because they don’t know why they haven’t gotten THEIR DAY IN COURT yet (God do I hate that fucking phrase) that about 90% of what actually goes on in the practice of law is behind the scenes and known only to the client when they receive the invoice for the work performed. A client will never understand researching the merits of a claim, drafting a pleading, or briefing a matter.
Speaking of briefs, can you guess what we’re going to talk about today? Yeah, that’s right, we’re about to start talking about the importance of briefing accurately and completely, because recent events have convinced me that most lawyers out there are complete fucking incompetents who view brief-writing as a form of fingerpainting. It isn’t, dipshit. Entire cases can be won or lost based on the strength of your brief.
And, in true lawyer fashion, I’m gonna talk about something called a”brief” and spend a long time doing it.
Continue reading “Stop Using a Thesaurus: Boozy’s Briefing Tips”
So last week saw the unveiling of Tiffany Dehen v. John Doe, Twitter Inc. and the University of San Diego School of Law, an amazing pro se complaint filed to Docket No. 17-CV-00198 in the United States District Court for the Southern District of California. While this has been written about and tweeted about several times already by now, and the attention span of the internet at large is about that of a gnat, I decided now would be a somewhat decent time to talk about my thoughts on it. More specifically, I decided now was a pretty good time to use this to teach a lesson to those folks out there with a J.D. and a dream of employment:
Stop making yourselves so goddamn unemployable.
Continue reading “Stop Making Yourself Unemployable: Lessons Learned from #TiffanyvTwitter”
Alright, so we have a new President. He’s not the one I, as a lifelong Democrat, would have chosen, but he exists and no amount of alternative facts are going to change the fact that he’s now sitting in the White House quietly contemplating how to give it a spray-tan that matches his own hue. I accept this. I accept this in the same way that I accept the fact cancer is a thing that happens, but I still accept it. That’s not the purpose of this post today, bitching about the President. I do that enough late at night in the confines of my house, scaring animals and small children as I howl out my anger in the attic.
This is about you fucktards who just can’t shut the fuck up about politics, and I mean all of you, from the Jill Stein lover in the Prius all the way up to the guy who thinks that Trump is the second coming of Jesus. All of you have this problem with running off at the mouth over politics and doing it all the fucking time. In the break room, at the lunch table, waiting outside of court…and, importantly, in front of your fucking clients.
You’re a lawyer, dipshit, not a political analyst. Cut it the fuck out.
Besides, you’re gonna lose some fucking clients if you don’t.
Continue reading “Stop Talking Politics: How to Preserve the Art of Not Being a Douche”
The next time I get the idea to toss my hat into the ring on a Twitter war like Parrotghazi, someone make sure to smack me firmly, yet somehow gently, in the crotch. Since the post went live yesterday, I’ve found myself quoted on People.com, retweeted God knows how many times, and somehow intimately involved in the sordid tale of how two lawyers have embroiled themselves in a war over custody of a tweet.
I’m glad people are enjoying reading about this, and excited they’re reading about it here, but Jesus Christ I now know more about parrots than I ever wanted to know. So let’s go in a different direction. Let’s look at the worst case scenario in Parrotghazi, and the legal stuff that has been brought into play in it.
I’m going to warn you before we start, I’ve already started drinking tonight. But really, I want to be clear that everything that follows is completely speculative, and I’m only using Parrotghazi and Mr. Adler as an example of how a lawyer using social media can go horribly awry. I’m not accusing Mr. Adler of a damn thing, it’s just the “what ifs” here allow for a fun exploration of ethics and social media for lawyers. Mr. Adler has asserted he stands behind the originality of the tweet and the representation of this case, and he’s entitled to the benefit of the doubt on that.
If Mr. Adler wants to get his side out here, I’ll gladly post his version of events, unedited, to this blog. Trust me, in this situation nothing would make me happier than to do a full retraction. I don’t like talking about other lawyers.
Continue reading “The Ethics of Parrotghazi: Be a Fucking Lawyer.”