Stop Being a Reptilian Overlord – Lawyers Can Be Human

Welcome to the Wednesday, June 6, 2018 edition of Lawyers & Liquor, your home for the very best in profane commentary on a variety of legally related matters.  I’m the Boozy Barrister, and you assholes need to stop taking yourselves so goddamn seriously.

Turn the fuck back now.  I’m warning you.

Continue reading “Stop Being a Reptilian Overlord – Lawyers Can Be Human”

Fetish Friday: Trademark Infringement and the ABDL Community, Part 1 – What’s ABDL?

Welcome to Fetish Friday on Lawyers and Liquor and oh my god I have learned so much about Adult Baby Diaper Lovers over the past 72 hours. Seriously, I have just learned so much. It is so damn interesting. I mean, it definitely isn’t my bag (no, no I do not need to try it to be sure, I get bothered by changing my kid’s diapers) but I had no clue how deep and complex the whole community of “ABDL” actually was.

I mean, honestly, when you hear “full grown adults who enjoy wearing diapers” you don’t actually think that it’s going to be some amazingly in depth area of study. You think it’s going to be about fucking. Because, as humans, everything at some point becomes about fucking for some people. And I’ll be the first to admit, that was flat out my thought process on ABDL until I started researching this article. “Self,” I muttered, “we’re about to go down a very unsettling rabbit hole without a diaper genie in sight. Just remember your three rules.”

My three rules, by the way, determine if something ranks on my “give a shit” scale:

  1. Is it non-consensual?
  2. Is anybody being severely injured?
  3. Is it illegal?

If the answers to all three are “No,” then have at. You do you. It doesn’t affect me and it’s none of my goddamn business what you do in the privacy of your own nursery.

Instead…well, look, let’s just jump straight into this faster than I jumped off the changing table as a kid (ask to see my scar sometime).

Continue reading “Fetish Friday: Trademark Infringement and the ABDL Community, Part 1 – What’s ABDL?”

The Internet Is Real Life: How A Lawyer Will Track You Down

Years ago I sat in my Dad’s office after email had really just become a thing. I was a kid at the time, but I remember distinctly my father talking to a divorce client who was, as divorce clients normally are, pissed off. However, this divorce client wasn’t only pissed off, they were technologically literate, something that my poor father most definitely was not. You have to understand, up until recently, and even now, lawyers are like the most technologically backwards people in the world by necessity.  Part of this is because the courts are technologically backwards and keep insisting we do things in certain ways, and part of it is the cost of an update is prohibitive because developers of software that’s really only used by the legal field are all like “Lawyers have money! Bleed them dry!”

But I’m getting off track a bit, aren’t I? We were talking about Dad and the fucking Bill Gates of divorce clients. Anyhow, Dad had gone through his normal spiel about not contacting the soon-to-be-ex, you know, “don’t call them,” “don’t ask friends how they’re doing,” “don’t leave nasty notes,” “don’t try to burn down their new lover’s car with lighter fluid while sobbing ‘WHY DENISE? WHY?’ into the night.” The typical stuff. The client, part of the way through, said “What about email?” After a suitable amount of time in which the client explained to Dad that email was “electronic mail” and, assuredly, was becoming all the rage and not at all the work of the Devil, Dad nodded sagely, leaned back, and said words that I’ve never forgotten:

“If you don’t want it read back to you in court, don’t fucking send it. Period.”

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Guest Post: “The Billable Hour will Die in 5 years” and other Pathetic Pieces of Professor Prophecy

Boozy’s Note: Today I welcome back our prior contributor, Bill  M. Hours, the insurance defense attorney who’s come in from the cold to talk about the asinine predictions his law professors and classmates made regarding the practice of law in the future. 

I like Bill. Bill has the requisite amount of snark. I’ll just shut up and let him show it off for you.

Enjoy! Continue reading “Guest Post: “The Billable Hour will Die in 5 years” and other Pathetic Pieces of Professor Prophecy”

F**k Avvo.

It’s been a long time since I had to censor a post title. I don’t tend to place curse words in the post titles simply because it’s bad practice, and it decreases the number of lawyers and legal folk that will promote, retweet, or link to the post in the long run. Some people care about what their social media displays, because they’ve linked the social media accounts to their professional image and firms and can’t really promote stuff that blatantly curses out others. It’s bad form for a lawyer to be professionally retweeting stuff about bondage gear and the like, and it’s bad form for a lawyer to be promoting blog posts that contain a string of curse words.

But Avvo, the legal website that lets people ask questions for free and allows lawyers to answer those questions for free, has drawn the anger of a drunken litigator for the last goddamn time. I’ve had it. I’ve had it up to my fucking throat in relation to this cesspool of legal marketing disguised as an “access to justice” resource for the general public and their “gun to your head” tactic of recruiting attorneys lockstep into their site. It’s time, motherfuckers. It’s fucking time for the reckoning of the angered lawyer to come down upon you with the full fucking force and let you know exactly how fucking much most practicing lawyers hate your exploitative asses.

Cover your goddamn ears, ye of big firm connections, because today Lawyers & Liquor is lashing out for the little guy who doesn’t have the goddamn time to answer the phone and explain for the 15th fucking time to some faceless rep that they have no goddamn interest in buying a promoted listing from you.

Today, we’re the Avvo-fucking-Avengers.

Continue reading “F**k Avvo.”