Introducing the Habeas Porpoise, your aquatic attorney.

[Note:  So, I finally have a contributor.  The Habeas Porpoise, in-house counsel in America, has volunteered to submit some articles to the Lawyers & Liquor.  I’ll get more information up about him at a later date, but right now I felt it might be a good idea to let him introduce himself.  -BB]

Hi, I’m Habeas Porpoise and I’m a corporate porpoise.  Let’s not get into how Habeas makes little sense in the context of corporate law, much less in-house counsel.  The point it, it works and I wish I could change my name without seriously jeopardizing my legal career.

OK, so on the real, substantive law discussion—

Hold on, can we just acknowledge that we are living in the age of “alternative facts” and cheeto-dusted executive orders claiming the entire population of India as attendees to a coronation inauguration?

And we’re back.  I’m a little schizophrenic when it comes to what captures my attention, and even moreso in what I choose to write about.  You should get used to this at the outset.  Boozy made the serious mistake of allowing me a public space to carry on and I intend to make him regret that daily.  You may find me here discussing some of the finer points of corporate counseling (Upjohn warnings, CALEA nonsense, etc.), the frustrating aspects (Shhh, don’t tell Legal!) or just the random happenings in the legal or political arenas.  You can also catch me on Twitter, though I don’t really grasp its importance (if any) at @Habeas_Tortoise (I was he before he was me).

I don’t have a planned frequency or anything but I expect you jerks to Facechat share, retoot, and print and post my articles around your workplaces so Boozy doesn’t realize he’s hitched his wagon to a beflippered chucklehead drunk on Contributor revenue.

This May Be The Last Time I Ask For Your Opinion

So, last time I ran a poll on here of any sort, you motherfuckers lost your minds.  I kept getting responses long after it was over.  So let’s make this a thing.

I got a couple things coming up and have started hearing from a few folks that may be interested in actually writing for this festering cesspool of uncivil discourse that aren’t me, nor one of the many voices in my head.  As a result, I’m gonna turn a few options over to you:

Alright, so get to telling me what you want here.

A Call for Papers

Remember yesterday when I said that from time to time you’d see posts on here talking about how I sometimes would be too busy to do a substantive post, because I’m a one-man shop when it comes to this blog, I’m a practicing litigator, and I’m a dad?  Well, today is one of those days.  I’m ass deep in discovery hell this morning, and won’t get a substantive post out this morning.  However, tomorrow there will be a substantive post in addition to the normal Friday music.

Which brings me to another topic:  Over the past couple months I’ve gotten a few offers for folks to write something for this blog as guest posts whenever they feel like it.  As of right now, my personal posting schedule is Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and on Fridays I post a song.  However, I’m eventually going to try to get up to five days a week of content.

That said, I have one contributor who has been furiously working on an article for a month now (I don’t blame him, he’s a busy criminal defense guy who’s trying to get a practice off the ground).  However, I always welcome guest posts or, if you’re a foul-mouthed sonuvabitch with shit to say, regular contributors.

So, if you have something you want to stick up here, which would really help me out as I descend into litigation this year, feel free to shoot me an email at, contact me through the form on the side of the site, or send me a direct message on Twitter (that little bird on the side of the screen).  Much like your law school internship, I pay nothing and I expect quality.  Unlike your law school internship, I’ll actually give you credit for your work.

I may have something up later.  Depends on when I get this done.