Boozy’s Advice for the Doomed: 1L Edition!

Hey, wasn’t that an awesome holiday? I sure thought so, as I sat around my house reviewing case law for surprise hearings! Anyhow, it got me thinking that there’s a whole crop of 1L’s who just had their first week of classes. They marched into their schools and sat through those first lectures that are like “Socratic Abuse for Beginners” where the professors give you a taste then talk about the high-minded ideals of the practice of law and tips for law school success. The 1L’s probably left feeling good about themselves and their decision to go to law school.

Well, we can’t fucking have that, now can we? So today, the old embittered veteran is coming in to smack some sense into the little law school neophytes with my first in a series of mocking everything they hold dear and some tips for the parts of law school the orientation leaves the fuck out. Yep, today it’s “Boozy’s Advice for the Doomed: 1L Edition!”

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Whispers of Faint Praise: 5 Good Things About Law School for New Students

Today I awoke to the sun shining, the birds chirping, and all being right with my world. Charlotte School of Law had been consigned to history’s “Big Heap of Bad Ideas,” and surely, SURELY things couldn’t get better than knowing there was one less law school out there praying on the hearts and minds of those who merely want to pay six figures to make the horrible choice to pursue a career in law.

Then I remembered that law schools are coming back into session, and that means that all the other operating institutions either have, or are soon going to be, welcoming the fresh-eyed classes of incoming 1L’s, dividing them into sections, talking for one evening about the nobility of the practice of law, and then systematically destroying everything they hold dear and true about themselves to leave only the shivering, sobbing shells of what once was a human in their place. My world once again grew dark with this knowledge.

BUT ALL IS NOT LOST! See, despite what movies like The Paper Chase (which will be next week’s Film Friday post!) would have you believe, law school is not an august institution of ivy-covered pillars and tradition. It is not the most stressful time of your life, nor is it some horrible experience. At least not solely those things. I mean, it’s bad motherfuckers, don’t get me wrong, and you’re going to look out the library window more than once and question how much effort it would take to heave first a chair, and then your tired body, out of it, landing on all fours and running into the woods as you strip off all clothing to live amongst the animals.

[Note to law students: that shit happens. Look at me and the furries.]

But there are some good things about law school too, you know? Some faint whispers of damning praise for the professional prison, and I think it may be worthwhile to mention them here.  So here we go, Boozy’s 5 things you may enjoy about law school:

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TiffanyvTwitter: An Open Letter To Tiff

Okay, so back in February I wrote about Tiffany Dehen, a USD Law graduate who filed a rambling, incoherent, and largely incomprehensible complaint as a result of someone creating a fake Twitter profile of her that implied her conservative political views meant she was a Nazi. Since that time, I decided it was best to leave well-enough alone, as Tiffany had proven herself to be sort of the litigious type and I wasn’t exactly interested in being dragged into the undertow on the sea of crazy that appeared to be brewing, and the fact that talking about Tiffany seemed a little too much like kicking a handicapped puppy. She was clearly out of her depth in this matter, suing both Twitter and her law school for $100,000,000 for the ostensible damage to her reputation.

This was, in my opinion, exactly the sort of lawsuit that the courts sort out on their own, without any interference from me or any other the other internet lawyer blogs who wrote about it.

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Too Many Lawyers: The Legal Profession Needs A Cull

Well, I’ve had a brief sojourn out into the wide world of weirdness that I seem to exist in these days, and in that time I realized that I’ve let several developments in the hellish landscape of ABA approved law schools go unmentioned, but definitely not unnoticed. So, for this Monday, I thought maybe we should discuss the latest developments in the raging dumpster fire that is the current legal education market, given the number of absolute fucking morons that have invaded my email inbox and Twitter timeline asking me shit about law school and attending law school in general.

As if they can’t just read the blog for any period of time to understand that my advice is always going to be “Don’t fucking go to law school, you goddamn moron.”

But hey, if these people were especially bright they wouldn’t be considering law school in the first damn place, would they? No, they’d be considering a more honest and lucrative profession, like dealing drugs or some shit, not looking at a way to actively make themselves poor while players in the very educational field they’re looking to gain admission to are dropping off left and fucking right around them.

This, in my opinion, is a good fucking thing, because we need to start doing herd management on lawyers, selectively removing the weak and least able from our ranks so the pastures out there can sustain the rest of us.

Yeah, that’s right. The legal profession needs a goddamn cull.

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So You Want To Be A Lawyer, Part 2: You’ll Disappoint My Dad and be Poor.

Now you know a little bit of the historical background of the legal profession, and know that we date back over two thousand years. Even as the Middle Ages stomped out scientific, cultural, and medical advances, it preserved the fucking lawyer nearly intact. The same bullshit systems that were in place under the Romans are still in place, and that’s not unexpected given the fact that lawyers, as a whole and individually, are about as likely to embrace change as Hitler would have been to appoint a Rosenbaum to his cabinet. We may not wear togas anymore, but we’re still the same goddamn profession people bitched about in Rome, and we always will be.

Still want to be a lawyer? Awesome. Spread your wings and fly, little fucking snowflake. I’m not gonna try to talk you out of it.

NOW LET ME TALK YOU THE FUCK OUT OF IT.

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