Boozy’s Tips for 1L’s: Read Cases Until You Don’t Need To.

A couple weeks ago I wrote a guide for those poor souls who’ve made the poor decision to abandon all of the joy in their lives and attend law school. You can find it here, wherein I give a few tips on how to survive and mentally prepare yourself for the first year of law school. One of these tips was to do the reading for your classes well in advance of the class, so that you may be prepared when the evil glare of a professor falls upon your unprepared ass and demands that you demonstrate your complete lack of knowledge to all of the other poor idiots that sat up one night, presumably having simultaneously wet the bed and shit themselves (the rare double whammy), and said “I really want to be a lawyer, because it’s either that or getting into the S&M scene in my local town!”

First, they still should have gone with the option that involved burning wax, rope play, and nipple clamps.

Second, some of the lawyers in the LawyerSlack took some exception to me advising kids to actually read the cases for class, and filled the channel with examples of their own lack of preparation for classes. “Boozy,” they furiously typed in an effort to avoid a moment of actual work on their cases, “We’re all licensed attorneys, and we hardly did any of the reading for our classes!  Why are you telling these kids it’s necessary to do the reading for their classes when all they need to really do is go to the outline depot or some other sort of thing and read up on that shit?”

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Film Friday: The Paper Chase – A Synopsis

It’s another school year! The 1L’s are filing into the halls of their Ivy clad institutions with big dreams of going forth with their degrees and changing the world! In preparation of their time in law school, which they may have heard can be quite trying, they’ve likely read a number of books on the subject, such as Scott Turow’s “One L” or that wonderful book “Law School Confidential” and now believe they know all there is to know about surviving law school.

And for all of those idealistic little fucks wandering into their classes filled with the superior air of one that will be the next Clarence Darrow or Daniel Webster, Professor Charles Kingsfield of Harvard Law has some guidance for you:

“[H]ere is a dime. Take it, call your mother, and tell her there is serious doubt about you ever becoming a lawyer.”

Because, motherfuckers, you ain’t seen nothing yet, even though it isn’t like Hollywood didn’t warn your ass back in 1973 when it took a book about the horrors of being a 1L with a demanding professor, the crushing demands of law school, gunners, and, of course, looking like a goddamn idiot when put on call in class and turned it into the seminal movie for law students everywhere to show their friends in an act of mock bravado. Yes, buckle up, chucklefuck, because today we’re going to talk about the over-exaggeration of the horrors of law school that is The Paper Chase for this month’s Film Friday on Lawyers and Liquor.

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Boozy’s Advice for the Doomed: 1L Edition!

Hey, wasn’t that an awesome holiday? I sure thought so, as I sat around my house reviewing case law for surprise hearings! Anyhow, it got me thinking that there’s a whole crop of 1L’s who just had their first week of classes. They marched into their schools and sat through those first lectures that are like “Socratic Abuse for Beginners” where the professors give you a taste then talk about the high-minded ideals of the practice of law and tips for law school success. The 1L’s probably left feeling good about themselves and their decision to go to law school.

Well, we can’t fucking have that, now can we? So today, the old embittered veteran is coming in to smack some sense into the little law school neophytes with my first in a series of mocking everything they hold dear and some tips for the parts of law school the orientation leaves the fuck out. Yep, today it’s “Boozy’s Advice for the Doomed: 1L Edition!”

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Whispers of Faint Praise: 5 Good Things About Law School for New Students

Today I awoke to the sun shining, the birds chirping, and all being right with my world. Charlotte School of Law had been consigned to history’s “Big Heap of Bad Ideas,” and surely, SURELY things couldn’t get better than knowing there was one less law school out there praying on the hearts and minds of those who merely want to pay six figures to make the horrible choice to pursue a career in law.

Then I remembered that law schools are coming back into session, and that means that all the other operating institutions either have, or are soon going to be, welcoming the fresh-eyed classes of incoming 1L’s, dividing them into sections, talking for one evening about the nobility of the practice of law, and then systematically destroying everything they hold dear and true about themselves to leave only the shivering, sobbing shells of what once was a human in their place. My world once again grew dark with this knowledge.

BUT ALL IS NOT LOST! See, despite what movies like The Paper Chase (which will be next week’s Film Friday post!) would have you believe, law school is not an august institution of ivy-covered pillars and tradition. It is not the most stressful time of your life, nor is it some horrible experience. At least not solely those things. I mean, it’s bad motherfuckers, don’t get me wrong, and you’re going to look out the library window more than once and question how much effort it would take to heave first a chair, and then your tired body, out of it, landing on all fours and running into the woods as you strip off all clothing to live amongst the animals.

[Note to law students: that shit happens. Look at me and the furries.]

But there are some good things about law school too, you know? Some faint whispers of damning praise for the professional prison, and I think it may be worthwhile to mention them here.  So here we go, Boozy’s 5 things you may enjoy about law school:

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Charlotte-an School of Law: A Eulogy

DING DONG, BROTHERS! You kind and generous folks who have been putting up with my shit longer than a grizzled police detective has been on the force may remember last year’s antics over at the Charlotte School of Law, or as I’ve now dubbed it, “Charlotte House of Pancakes and Legal Learnin’,” an Infinilaw owned cesspool and boil on the butt of barristers the nation over! It really wasn’t that much of a thing, you know, just a little bit of old-fashioned chicanery that got them put on probation, had their ability to accept student loans revoked, and slowly became the death spiral of all times and a great example of how not to “cover your ass” by insulting students and generally sticking their head in the sand as the world falls apart around them.

However, boys and girls, the ride has come to a definite end now, as the Charlotte “I Can’t Believe It’s A” School of Law has now closed those doors forever. Yes, the storied and esteemed history of over six years of proving the ABA accreditation process is so lenient I could likely run a law school from a port-a-potty has come to an end.  Having failed to follow the advice of legal ethics professors everywhere, namely “Don’t Miss A Goddamn Deadline,” not only once but twice in a time where the entire ability of this squad of for-profit fuck-ups to prey on those least likely to ever actually practice the goddamn law was dependent on not missing the goddamn deadline.  This, combined with the fact that the ABA has now definitively stated they have had more than enough of Charlotte “Look Ma, I’m Lawyerin’!” School of Law’s  shit, has led to the final closure of the law school.

So, here to do a moratorium and eulogy for the dearly departed Department of Dipshits that ran the place, let’s bring in the Right Reverend Boozy Barrister from the First Universal Church of Internet Lawyers.

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