Law Offices – LAWYERS & LIQUOR

An Open Letter From Your Lawyer: We Don’t Know What We’re Doing.

Hello!

So here we are, in the midst of a pandemic the likes of which hasn’t been seen in the United States in over a century, and we here at the Law Offices of Boozy Barrister would like to reassure and comfort all of our clients. We know that you have many questions regarding this virus, COVID-19, and how it may have an effect on your pending legal matters, your plans, hearings, bankruptcy payments, child support obligations, custody hearings, evictions, etc. We greatly appreciate you reaching out to us and providing us with the opportunity to address your questions as they arise. However, due to the sheer volume of calls and emails we have been receiving over the past month, our partners have all ascended from their well-stocked emergency bunkers and gathered six feet apart in the conference room to draft this open letter to reassure you:

We have no goddamn clue what we’re doing.

How to Deal With Legal Support Staff: A Refresher Course

Welcome to another beautiful morning here at Lawyers & Liquor, where I, the Boozy Barrister, talk about whatever has popped into my tiny little head in the last 74 hours since the last time we spoke. You know, on Monday I disclosed that, for the past several months, my office has been without support staff. As such, the inmates are running the asylum in our offices as attorneys do every task great and small that requires any amount of effort, not just those that require the lawyer’s expertise. In short, I’ve been reminded that the true prophets of our time, the 1980’s glam metal band Cinderella, truly knew what they were talking about when they said “You don’t know what you got (till it’s gone).”

Look at that shit! I worked in a glam metal reference. Not fucking bad if I do say so myself.

Anyhow, once the piece went up it hit me that there are some litigation fetuses out there getting ready to leave the comforting and calm bosom of law school to enter into the world of legal practice. There may even be some placenta-encrusted baby lawyers just now struggling into their first type of legal employment. And, as we all know, those fucking jackasses in their Joseph A. Banks suits may have absolutely no clue how to handle the very same legal support staff that I am now lacking and, as a result, may be increasing their chances of either (a) unemployment in a short order or (b) finding themselves sobbing under their desk as Cinderella plays on Spotify repeatedly, gorging themselves on an entire fucking ice cream cake because they can’t figure out how to conference in a three-way call with a client and another party.

But never fear, my little fuck-a-dos, because Boozy is here to help – or at least harangue – you with five simple tips you need to remember about your legal support staff.

What do the Magazines in Your Office Say About You?

Welcome to Wednesday here on Lawyers and Liquor, where we’re desperately clinging to relevance in an age where attorneys who are on Twitter spend hours on end correcting the lay understanding of the attorney-client privilege. You know, there’s been a lot of legal news since the last time I had a chance to sit down and write something for you guys, hasn’t there? Holy. Shit.

I mean, Trump’s lawyer’s office got raided by the FBI, Sean Hannity was revealed in court to be a client of the same attorney (who only has three clients, all of them prominent members of the GOP? And why weren’t we aware that three prominent members of the GOP are so dipshit-stupid that they all use the same lawyer from Cooley for their legally questionable issues?), and Bill Cosby is being retried for rape. Oh, you weren’t aware of the last one? It doesn’t surprise me. In the world of Trump, the celebrity rapist is the lucky one.

So, of course, in this trying time let’s talk about something vitally important to the practice of law. This is something that sinks many a law office before it even got the chance to start and has a great impact on every client who walks in the door. For many small attorneys, the subject of today’s post is how your clients are going to form their first impressions of you as not only an attorney but as a person as well. I’m talking, of course, about the magazines and reading material that you keep in your waiting room.

Sure, it may not seem important, but the fact is the high-brow literature you provide to your clients as they wait for you to finish scrolling through Facebook and drink your coffee so you can give the impression of being far too busy to meet with them immediately is important. I mean, many lawyers bring these magazines from their homes or other places they frequent, so what reading material is in your office is a reflection of your personality and therefore an indicator of how your clients will get along with you. It can make or break a relationship! Let’s not forget that it’s also important to make sure that you have the best office furniture as well (from places like Office Monster), as if you have bad office furniture, then your clients will also judge you on this as well! This is serious business folks!

So, without further adieu, let’s talk about what different magazines say about you.

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