Everything Wrong with Legal Hiring: Searching for Dick Awesome, Esq.

It seems like every now and again Keith over at Associate’s Mind, the father of LawyerSmack, and I end up focusing on the same topics for a few days in a row. This time it all comes about out of an ad for an attorney and the ridiculous requirements and pay expectations that the firm wanted met in order to hire a lawyer to assist.  I’m not going to do a lot of talking to describe the ad, because you can watch the bullshit flow over on the LawyerSmack website about the anger and frustration of the attorneys that gather around the virtual water cooler (Keith has cleaned the joint up a bit from the days when it was more of a dive bar, and even insisted that sentient whiskey glasses identify themselves in the chat by their real names and everything).  But here’s the gist of the ad’s requirements:

  1. 5-7 years of experience;
  2. 20 cases tried to a verdict, unless you’re a former prosecutor, then at least 80 cases tried to a verdict;
  3. Answers to an attorney with 30 years of experience, and;
  4. Pay is $55,000 to $90,000.

While they’re at it, they’d like to find an attorney that owns his own rainbow-shitting unicorn, lives in a castle made of gingerbread, and can melt the faces of opposing counsel by singing eldritch verses in court. I mean, if we’re going to go all out on this shit, let’s go balls to the goddamn wall crazy with it.

Because the lawyer these guys are looking for?  It doesn’t fucking exist.

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Stop Dicking Around: Tips to Find Legal Employment

Alright you unwashed hordes of freshly-minted Esquires, stop sucking the marrow out of bones and fighting over the scraps of unemployment hearings and gather round.

Recently I’ve been bitching about law schools, so maybe we should talk about how fucked up the job market is for those who graduate law school.  I’m not talking about those “JD Preferred” schmucks who come out of law school and head straight for the nearest unemployment line (and let’s be honest, that’s about the only thing a JD alone will get you).  I’m talking about those honest-to-god, freshly minted lawyers that have passed the bar but don’t have an office to work out of, a shingle to hang, or an offer to come work for someone.  You know, all of you morose assholes who convince yourselves that practicing law was a good idea while huddled over your nightly meal of Vienna sausages and saltines in the one suit you own.  Those of you who flood law offices with unsolicited resumes praying that we’ll see something on your unwanted, cream-colored, cotton paper, which you bought in a 25 sheet pack at Office Depot for just this occasion, that’ll make our office want to create an immediate vacancy for you.  That’s who this article is for.

Also, it’s for the law students.  Those who keep hearing that the drought of law jobs is ending.  Those who have dreams of six figures dancing in their heads.  Those who think Cravath certainly waits in their future because they’re ranked Number 1 at Ave Maria and can down an entire case of Natty on their own.  Yes, this article is for you, too.

Because I like to fuckin’ crush hopes and dreams beneath my bootheel.

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