Alright my little baby lawyers who have recently gotten their bar results and decided that makes them big boys now, it’s time for the regular edition of Boozy telling you how little you know about the generalities of being an attorney, nevermind how little you know about the practice of law itself! See, law school and the bar exam may teach you a lot of stuff about your ability to retain and regurgitate useless knowledge on command and the minimal competence needed to enter the practice of law, but what it doesn’t teach you is how to avoid looking like the world’s biggest asshole while doing it. There are plenty of young attorneys out there that make the rest of us shake our heads and wonder how many brain cells you destroyed during pledge week in undergrad, because by and large you’re all fucking morons with none of the skills needed to discern between a good idea and an amazingly bad idea.
Like what you should call yourself. Don’t lawyers get cool professional titles and shit that you can append to the end of your name in a desperate bid to validate the horrible life choices you’ve made and prove to your family that you’re important? Sure. Sure we do. Now let’s talk about why you shouldn’t be fucking using them, you pompous self-righteous prick.
Continue reading “Titles Matter: What Young Lawyers Shouldn’t Call Themselves”
Alright, so Monday I talked about all the reasons I hate it when a client doesn’t pay their bill. The main reason, as you might have gleaned, is because I provide a service, like every attorney out there, which requires me to use my knowledge, time, resources, and professional expertise to help people that can barely count to 11 even if they take off their pants first. This is not an easy task, and frequently leads me to question my life choices.
Today we’re gonna forge the fuck forward by talking about the four options frequently focused on when a client refuses to pay, and since it’ll be a long one, let’s just go right into this shit.
Continue reading “An Offer They Can’t Refuse: Getting Clients to Pay, Part 2”
Okay, so back in February I wrote about Tiffany Dehen, a USD Law graduate who filed a rambling, incoherent, and largely incomprehensible complaint as a result of someone creating a fake Twitter profile of her that implied her conservative political views meant she was a Nazi. Since that time, I decided it was best to leave well-enough alone, as Tiffany had proven herself to be sort of the litigious type and I wasn’t exactly interested in being dragged into the undertow on the sea of crazy that appeared to be brewing, and the fact that talking about Tiffany seemed a little too much like kicking a handicapped puppy. She was clearly out of her depth in this matter, suing both Twitter and her law school for $100,000,000 for the ostensible damage to her reputation.
This was, in my opinion, exactly the sort of lawsuit that the courts sort out on their own, without any interference from me or any other the other internet lawyer blogs who wrote about it.
Continue reading “TiffanyvTwitter: An Open Letter To Tiff”
So for the past few weeks I’ve sort of taken this blog off the beaten path and started writing some shit for prospective purchasers of legal services. Some of that has been by necessity, since my recent reading audience has expanded further than a few attorneys sitting around a Slack channel and some law students from Twitter. So, naturally, because I’m a big ol’ media whore when it comes to this shit, that means that some of my topics have been less in the way of legal thought and more in the way of “Don’t be a fucking moron, kay?”
This has left, quite fucking understandably, some of the attorneys that read the blog feeling like they’ve been tossed on the trash heap for the newer readers, as the topics that are directly pertinent to their interests have decreased while goofy shit, like bondage and Furries, has increased. But what they’re missing is the fact that as I give advice on mundane shit to the muggles, I’m slyly trying to suggest ways a lawyer can switch up some things about their practice and themselves in order to get more of their fucking money.
Like today. Over the past couple weeks I’ve walked some mouth-breathing morons through the process of locating an attorney on Google, because apparently functional adults need to be told how to fucking Google shit, and how to not appear like a complete and utter chucklefuck. I understand the latter may be particularly difficult for members of the great unwashed hordes that call your office asking for free advice, but I’m at least trying to offer better advice than “Shower, and for God’s sake, lay off the fucking Axe body spray. It doesn’t attract women. It attracts shame.” But today is special, because today, at the request of several people, I’m going to toss out five tips on identifying the attorney a client doesn’t want to fucking hire.
And you assholes with bar licenses should perk right the fuck up, too, because I’m not only telling them how to select an attorney, I’m telling you how to stop looking like a complete and total shitstain.
So, that shit said, let’s take a look at the Five Warning Signs that clients should pay attention to.
Continue reading “One Size Doesn’t Fit All: Clients, Judge Your Lawyers.”
I was supposed to review Larry Kelter’s new book, Back to Brooklyn this week, but that’s gonna get put off until Monday so I’ll have the weekend to actually, you know, finish the review. That sort of left me without a post yesterday, which is the main reason I’m getting one up on Thursday. If you’re not a fan of that, go to hell. I’ve been a little busy managing my goddamn mountain of furries and a few new cases that I picked up over the past week.
Both of which gave me a great idea, namely, how to identify a lawyer that you want to hire as opposed to an asshole like me that’ll want you to hire them. Apparently, looking through the Twitter feeds of idiots, I’ve discovered that too goddamn many people have absolutely no idea how to contact an attorney that doesn’t appear on a billboard or a mid afternoon commercial. This is a fucking issue, because people, and especially the subset of people defined as clients (those mouthbreathing morons) are attracted not to professional advertisements, but rather to eye-catching ads designed to rope you in.
This means that some folks are going to bad lawyers.
So, while I generally fucking hate clients and believe they deserve all the misery they’ve brough on themselves, I’ve decided that this one’s for you, Mr. Idiotic Lawsuit Bringer. Let’s talk about how you can skip right over the shitstains that populate the legal profession and hire an attorney who’s worth a damn.
Continue reading “No More Phonebooks: Teaching Idiots to Find A Lawyer”