So I injured myself in the dumbest way possible. I was taking my dogs out yesterday morning, in the rain, wearing my top coat, my pajamas, and a pair of house slippers. This is the morning ritual, where I take them out into my nice, open back yard, hook them to their leads, and then go inside to clean up piddle pads (they’re old and, much like me after a bottle of whiskey, lack bladder control), fix breakfast, and get ready for the day.
One of my dogs is the sweetest, but dumbest, dog I’ve ever owned, a lab/pit mix with three legs that has never lost his puppy-like exuberance. The other is an elderly beagle that I at times nudge with my foot to make sure she’s alive. The way this works every morning is I walk downstairs, take out the big dumb dog, then coax the beagle from hiding. Because he’s big, dumb, and strong, I have to take Tres (because yes, Virginia, I’m the type of asshole that names a three-legged dog Tres) by the collar to take him out to his lead, lest some random leaf threaten him and he bolt from the yard and into the alley. I’ve learned these lessons over time.
Yesterday he decided, as we were walking over slick grass, to bolt. With a fatherly death grip that comes only from raising children, I held onto his collar…and was rewarded by promptly having all of his forward momentum transferred to me. Physics was not my strong suit in school. As may be predicted, I went down. Hard. Hard enough that my knee did an impression of Rice Krispies through an amplifier and I cursed loud enough to be heard three states away. After picking myself up, I realized there was definitely something wrong. Maybe it was because I was dizzy, or maybe because putting weight on my knee resulted in a blinding pain.
Hurt or not, I had settlement conferences yesterday, so no sick day for me.
After a trip to a doctor last night, it’s been decided that I may have torn a ligament when I took the dog out in my slippers and pajamas. Because injuring myself in a manly way apparently stopped happening about a decade ago. That’s something to look forward to, kids: As you get older, the ways in which you injure yourself will getting progressively more embarrassing until, eventually, you pick up stuffed animals with apprehension of some unlikely but inevitable injury.
With that said, please understand that between muscling through my day yesterday while in incredible pain and unable to bend my leg, and the fact that I’m popping Advil and desperately trying to find a knee brace, I didn’t have time to get a post together. However, you guys got one on Monday, right? I thought so. So I’m ahead of the game here.
I’ll be back tomorrow with something more substantive than this. Today, however, I’m going to go to the hospital.