Arizona Summit Schadenfreude: Another Infinilaw Diploma Mill Goes Down.

OH MY FUCKING GOD I LOVE THIS SHIT!

So, today was supposed to be all about how to not be the fucking problem in negotiations, but you know what? Fuck that noise. We’ll get back to that shit later. I’ll bore you with all of that some other time, maybe tomorrow, maybe not. We got bigger fish to fry.

Namely how the ABA has decided they need to serve a purpose and started bitch-slapping the shit out of InfiniLaw! That’s right, fresh on the heels of sticking Charlotte School of Law on a probation that seems to be sounding the death knell of that outhouse turned law school, the ABA has tasted some blood and decided to unleash hell on yet another bastion of for-profit, corporate driven legal education. While the body of its sister institution isn’t even cold and is, in fact, still jerking through the final few throes of an inglorious ending, Arizona Summit has found itself sitting squarely in the sights of a now-hungry ABA board.

Oh God, I didn’t think I could get this erect.

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Negotiation, How the Fuck Does It Work? Part 2: The 5 Negotiation Languages

Okay, so Friday I talked about how Negotiation is being taught in law schools. I also said that while that shit’s fine in theory, it doesn’t have a lot of application in the real fucking world, because the people that are gonna determine the negotiation style aren’t the recent law school graduates that are all about “Getting to Yes.”  Instead, they’re the products of the offices they work in, and will carry those habits with them through the rest of their fucking careers.

So, that in mind, let’s just jump right into the fucking 5 Negotiation Languages (Yeah, I’m stealing it from “The 5 Love Languages.” Fuck you.)

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Negotiation, How The Fuck Does It Work? Part 1, Getting to No.

Alright folks, let’s talk about the fine fucking art of negotiation. This isn’t exactly a new topic, with people writing about it all the goddamn time and there being a lot of books out there, like the seminal volume Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In (a…pretty good read), but it’s one that I really haven’t written on yet, have I? No, I haven’t, you know, in case you’re the type of mouthbreather who can’t be bothered to actually read my past entries on this site to determine if I am, in fact being truthful.

By the way, fuck you for doubting me.

Anyhow, we’ve all been there before, ain’t we? On the verge of making a case that’s been sitting around like a thumbtack in your extra-wide ass go the fuck away by finally reaching some sort of reasonable resolution with opposing counsel. We’ve all felt the thrill of hearing a number that isn’t too far apart from your client’s number, and started to do that Snoopy dance of unmitigated joy at the prospect of finally closing the file. Sure, billables are great and all, but at some fuckin’ point continuing with the litigation just doesn’t make sense for anybody involved, and the clients are starting to get weary of paying the monthly invoice with no discernable (to them) movement on the case at all…because clients have no idea that 90% of legal work is done behind the scenes, and it’s hard to encapsulate “spent five hours desperately trying to salvage the claim from the client’s latest fuck-up” in a form on the invoice that doesn’t raise their unjustified ire.

So you waltz to opposing counsel and say “Hey, let me take this over to my guy, but I think I’m going to suggest we heavily consider this one.” Everything is right with the world, and your client says “Get me $1,000 more and we’re done.” Great! Who’s going to fight over a fucking grand?

Opposing counsel’s client, who just dropped their last offer by $6,000 in response to your counter. Congrats, you’ve gone from “a reasonable prospect of settlement” to “a goddamn negotiation.” So, what exactly are you dealing with? Shit man, that’s hard to say, because everyone out there negotiates stuff differently. Hey, why don’t we take three fucking days to talk about it?

Well, welcome aboard for the first day of my three part series on “Negotiation, How The Fuck Does That Work?” Today we’re gonna talk, really generally, about the issues in how negotiation styles are being taught to prospective lawyers. Tonight (or Monday), we’ll talk about The Types of Negotiators You’re Gonna Meet, then, to wrap the whole damn thing up, we’ll talk about how you can avoid being the fucking problem.

But, today, let’s just stick with the issues in how negotiation styles are being taught, and when I say “styles,” I mean the one fucking style law schools actually teach: Principled Negotiation.

Continue reading “Negotiation, How The Fuck Does It Work? Part 1, Getting to No.”

The ABA Is Pointless: Boozy’s Take on the American Bar Association.

So back in 1878, 75 lawyers from all across the country had a collective seizure and somehow found themselves in Saratoga Springs, New York. While for many people, that many lawyers in one place at the same time would be the basis for a really good joke, for lawyers it of course meant that they needed to all meet and form an organization. This organization was the American Bar Association, and we’ve been desperately trying to free ourselves from the yoke of association ever since.

Of course, it immediately fucking transformed itself into the Evil Empire of the legal profession, insinuating its way pointlessly into the day-to-day life of the lawyer and somehow gaining the reins of power over entry into the fucking legal profession itself, despite having no real authority to oversee the practice of law fucking anywhere.

Yeah, this is one of those posts.  Enjoy the ride.

Continue reading “The ABA Is Pointless: Boozy’s Take on the American Bar Association.”

“It Should Be Longer” “That’s What She Said.” : A review of Portia Porter’s “Alienation of Affections”

Okay, so, for the past few weeks I’ve been promising to review Portia Porter’s Alienation of Affections, the latest in her saga of practicing family law in the quasi-fictional jurisdiction of South Duck. I gotta admit, I took much longer to do it than I initially intended, and much longer than she really expected it to take. That’s on me to some extent, and mainly because of the subject matter of her latest book. To be quite honest, it came in a little too close to home for me.

So, to fulfill my obligation, here’s that review I been promising. Happy, Portia?

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