Whispers of Faint Praise: 5 Good Things About Law School for New Students

Today I awoke to the sun shining, the birds chirping, and all being right with my world. Charlotte School of Law had been consigned to history’s “Big Heap of Bad Ideas,” and surely, SURELY things couldn’t get better than knowing there was one less law school out there praying on the hearts and minds of those who merely want to pay six figures to make the horrible choice to pursue a career in law.

Then I remembered that law schools are coming back into session, and that means that all the other operating institutions either have, or are soon going to be, welcoming the fresh-eyed classes of incoming 1L’s, dividing them into sections, talking for one evening about the nobility of the practice of law, and then systematically destroying everything they hold dear and true about themselves to leave only the shivering, sobbing shells of what once was a human in their place. My world once again grew dark with this knowledge.

BUT ALL IS NOT LOST! See, despite what movies like The Paper Chase (which will be next week’s Film Friday post!) would have you believe, law school is not an august institution of ivy-covered pillars and tradition. It is not the most stressful time of your life, nor is it some horrible experience. At least not solely those things. I mean, it’s bad motherfuckers, don’t get me wrong, and you’re going to look out the library window more than once and question how much effort it would take to heave first a chair, and then your tired body, out of it, landing on all fours and running into the woods as you strip off all clothing to live amongst the animals.

[Note to law students: that shit happens. Look at me and the furries.]

But there are some good things about law school too, you know? Some faint whispers of damning praise for the professional prison, and I think it may be worthwhile to mention them here.  So here we go, Boozy’s 5 things you may enjoy about law school:

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Charlotte-an School of Law: A Eulogy

DING DONG, BROTHERS! You kind and generous folks who have been putting up with my shit longer than a grizzled police detective has been on the force may remember last year’s antics over at the Charlotte School of Law, or as I’ve now dubbed it, “Charlotte House of Pancakes and Legal Learnin’,” an Infinilaw owned cesspool and boil on the butt of barristers the nation over! It really wasn’t that much of a thing, you know, just a little bit of old-fashioned chicanery that got them put on probation, had their ability to accept student loans revoked, and slowly became the death spiral of all times and a great example of how not to “cover your ass” by insulting students and generally sticking their head in the sand as the world falls apart around them.

However, boys and girls, the ride has come to a definite end now, as the Charlotte “I Can’t Believe It’s A” School of Law has now closed those doors forever. Yes, the storied and esteemed history of over six years of proving the ABA accreditation process is so lenient I could likely run a law school from a port-a-potty has come to an end.  Having failed to follow the advice of legal ethics professors everywhere, namely “Don’t Miss A Goddamn Deadline,” not only once but twice in a time where the entire ability of this squad of for-profit fuck-ups to prey on those least likely to ever actually practice the goddamn law was dependent on not missing the goddamn deadline.  This, combined with the fact that the ABA has now definitively stated they have had more than enough of Charlotte “Look Ma, I’m Lawyerin’!” School of Law’s  shit, has led to the final closure of the law school.

So, here to do a moratorium and eulogy for the dearly departed Department of Dipshits that ran the place, let’s bring in the Right Reverend Boozy Barrister from the First Universal Church of Internet Lawyers.

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So You Want To Be A Lawyer, Part 3: You’ll Get No Respect

Alright folks, I’m in depositions all day today trying to protect a client from themselves, and that means it’s time for another edition of my filler material, namely “So You Want To Be A Lawyer?”

In the last two parts we talked about the history of the legal profession and how you will disappoint my dad and be poor. However, some of you have been sending me messages telling me that this is actually encouraging you to go to law school. Jesus. I knew a lot of my newer readers are into some kinky shit, but this level of self-abuse is fucking unheard of.

But fine. Fine, you don’t care about money, you’re willing to disappoint my father, and you’re okay with the fact the ABA invented a time machine to exert a stranglehold on the legal profession. Are you willing to be the world’s less funny, less endearing Rodney Dangerfield?

Because, buddy, you sure as shit ain’t getting no respect.

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So You Want To Be A Lawyer, Part 2: You’ll Disappoint My Dad and be Poor.

Now you know a little bit of the historical background of the legal profession, and know that we date back over two thousand years. Even as the Middle Ages stomped out scientific, cultural, and medical advances, it preserved the fucking lawyer nearly intact. The same bullshit systems that were in place under the Romans are still in place, and that’s not unexpected given the fact that lawyers, as a whole and individually, are about as likely to embrace change as Hitler would have been to appoint a Rosenbaum to his cabinet. We may not wear togas anymore, but we’re still the same goddamn profession people bitched about in Rome, and we always will be.

Still want to be a lawyer? Awesome. Spread your wings and fly, little fucking snowflake. I’m not gonna try to talk you out of it.

NOW LET ME TALK YOU THE FUCK OUT OF IT.

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So You Want To Be A Lawyer, Part 1: A Brief History of the Legal Profession

HEY! So, there were a lot of great suggestions for posts yesterday from my newly found technicolor zoo of friendly animal-people, but I woke up this morning and thought to myself: “Am I gonna listen to these assholes? I don’t even let other lawyers suggest what the fuck I’m going to write about!”

So today, I’m writing for all the people out there, you sweet little clueless shits, that have decided they may want to be lawyers. I plan on making this a continuing series, by the way, because there’s a lot to be said to the dumbasses that feel the need to become attorneys.

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