An Open Letter To My Neighbor About Their Fireworks

Dear Neighbor,

Hello.  You probably know me as the pissed off looking guy with a cane you tend to see furtively smoking cigarettes in his porch chair while wearing a suit in the late evening hours.  You often may ask yourself “why is he always wearing a suit” and “why do I never see him before 7 p.m. at night?”  The answer to that question is that I’m an attorney, and I tend to get up pretty early in the morning to head to my office.  I also only really return home at night after all my work is done.  You see, it isn’t that I’m not sociable, it’s just that I’m tired and those early evening hours, when I’m sitting on the porch and enjoying a glass of whiskey and some nicotine, are about the only quiet moments I get in a life full of kids, dogs, and legal bullshit from other people in the area.

And that’s sort of why I want to talk to you today, because, see, getting up early in the morning and shit tends to mean that I go to bed early at night.  Like, not at 7:30 p.m. or something, but at a respectable hour. You know, maybe 9:30 or 10:00.  Not “Grandma’s bed time” but not too far off.  Early to bed and early to rise and all that.  Except, lately, I’ve been finding it to be hard to get to sleep at night.  Because it’s summer, and you’ve found out the fireworks stands are open.

Continue reading “An Open Letter To My Neighbor About Their Fireworks”

Things I Don’t Care About: BigLaw Pay Raises

Hello and welcome to Lawyers & Liquor, where we do nothing but talk about legal stuff in a profane manner because…you know what? I don’t owe an explanation to you.  Every lawyer in the world wants to just start cursing about halfway through discussing anything legal with laymen and brand-spanking-new baby attorneys, and that’s what I do because, frankly, I ain’t got much to lose anymore by doing it.

So today let’s start talking about the things I don’t really give two watery shits about, and by that I mean the whole thing going on that’s  been over-reported and covered with intense scrutiny in the legal community.  No, not the death of Judge Leighton, former federal judge and civil rights pioneer, and quite possibly the most interesting man in the world, back in the beginning of June, but rather the BigLaw pay raises that I, like many other small-time meat and potatoes attorneys aren’t affected by and don’t fucking care about.

I’m the Boozy Barrister, and it’s time to buckle the fuck up.

Continue reading “Things I Don’t Care About: BigLaw Pay Raises”

Fetish Friday: Your Kinky Divorce

Welcome to Fetish Friday on Lawyers & Liquor, where we talk about the world of sexual fetish and, really, anything sexually inclined at all. I’m your host the BDSM Barrister, inviting all of you to break out the ballgags and sit there like the good little pieces of worthless filth you are as we talk this month about the implications of your kink on your divorce. That’s right, as we’ve discussed before even if you’re referred to as the slave in the bedroom and the strangely leather-clad basement dungeon, there’s absolutely no reason that you can’t file for a divorce from your dominatrix. And, despite what some people who abuse their kinks would like you to think, there’s absolutely nothing that they can do to stop you!

However, when we’re talking about groups of people whose inclinations may run from the degrading of themselves all the way up to literally drawing blood for sexual fulfillment some of which can be seen on websites similar to https://www.fuckedgay.xxx/, and when the kink isn’t just something that happens in the bedroom but something that is more of a lifestyle, divorce, like scat play, can get pretty goddamn messy. Of course I’m not going to talk about the cases today where things went well, am I? Nope. I’m going to talk about the shit that happens when two kinksters that were once in love decide that they want to seek the ultimate pain fetish and submit themselves to the jurisdiction of the local family court! So hook up the alligator clips and let’s get this ball rolling!

Continue reading “Fetish Friday: Your Kinky Divorce”

“Hi, I’m Goliath from Goliath & Goliath.” – A Philly Lawyer Takes on Morgan & Morgan

Let’s take a minute and talk about these huge, multi-state law firms that swoop into the local area and start slinging their advertising dollars around.  These are the candymen of the legal advertising industry, keeping radio jingle writers and shady TV commercial producers in dollars so they can run all of their ads during Rush Limbaugh or the seventeenth mid-day rerun of Judge Judy.  We all know the types of guys I’m talking about, with ads that say shit like “call us, we’ll get you your money” and some 1-800 number that takes you to a switchboard before directing your ass to a regional office in some big city. The dirty little secret of lawyering is that these places are really just mills, gigantic firms from out of state with not a single named partner who could find your podunk little shithole on a map unless their private jets were flying overhead.  

These guys are, basically, the Waffle House of the legal world, with a branch every damn place.  They’re the bane of the small law practitioner, and especially the small PI guy, who can’t compete with the advertising and the crisply pressed suits of some partner that shows up in the commercials but never in court.  After flooding the local airwaves with commercials, lining the streets with billboards, and getting the name recognition that used to go to the decent guy down the street, they’re gonna take every call from a dog bite to a fender bender  and move on.

These are the personal injury mills.

Continue reading ““Hi, I’m Goliath from Goliath & Goliath.” – A Philly Lawyer Takes on Morgan & Morgan”

Pride Month Special: “One True Pervert In the Courtroom” – The Trial of Dale Jennings

Here at Lawyers & Liquor we tend to dedicate the third Friday of every month to the discussion of a fetish.  But June has five Fridays, and, as a quick glance at my calendar just informed me, we’re about halfway through this month.  So I thought it may be neat, given that this is a month bedecked in the rainbow vomit and glitter-cannon parades that is Pride, to talk about something more on point with that shit:  Let’s talk about the history of the LGBTQ+ treatment at law in the United States.

That’s right, Boozy’s sticking on the way-too-tight tank top and trimming his beard to make this website the legal version of Growlr for one day only as we dive into the historical treatment of the LGBTQ+ community within the United States.  So smear on your best body paint, cuddle up with the spouse you previously couldn’t marry, and call that one homophobic Aunt that everyone has just to tell them to fuck right off as we talk about Dale Jennings, and how the LAPD totally George Michael’d the fuck out of him…and in doing so helped kick off the modern LGBTQ+ rights movement as we know it today.

…Fucking talk about some shit backfiring, eh?

Continue reading “Pride Month Special: “One True Pervert In the Courtroom” – The Trial of Dale Jennings”