You might remember around this time last year I talked a little bit about a conference full of lawyers in New Orleans, Louisiana who were gathering to trade practice tips and, I assume, laugh at all of us peons in the workaday world of shit law through their crystal glasses of champagne or whatever. You can read why I was totally not bitter at all about not going to New Orleans last year to rub elbows with the hobknobbery of the legal world here. Or you can just hang around on the site for about a minute or two because, once again, while the “who’s who” of the legal online world are gathered in the land of beignets and booze, I’m sitting at my desk drinking some horrible faux Dunkin Donuts bullshit and spending a morning being completely not bitter at all about not attending. Seriously you guys, not bitter AT ALL.
So excuse me as I top off my cup of coffee that’s exactly as bitter as I am not, at this moment, being. Give me a moment to suck on some lemons, just to get the morning off to the right start. Take a second to breathe as I shove a chaw of unsweetened cocoa powder into my upper lip like the chewing tobacco of the totally and completely not bitter at all attorneys of the world. And let’s look at why it’s actually a good thing that I’m not attending the Clio Cloud Conference in New Orleans for the 2018 year yet fucking again.
A Keynote Speaker With Loot Boxes.
Among the many luminaries that will be KeyNote speakers this year at the Clio Cloud Conference in New Orleans will be Dr. Kelly McGonigal (the Ph.D. type of doctor, not the “Hey, take a look at this growth that’s suspisciously close to my genitals, do you think that’s a wart or a skin tag?” Just for reference. Because you assholes are in New Orleans, a city known for its sterling reputation and complete lack of debauchery), founder of the Equal Justice Initiative Bryan Stevenson, and Bill Burnett (a…mechanical designer who wrote a book about “desigining your life” which…I mean…I can’t even design a way to organize my office much less my life so more power to you Billy Boy). There’s also what may be the most mastur batory piece of public speaking to ever cross the stage as the founder of Clio and the conference, Jack Newton, hops on stage in front of all the people to congratulate himself on proving that if you plan a party in New Orleans suddenly everyone wants to come and act like your friend. But the Keynote Speaker that outweighs all of these is a founder of Electronic Arts, ladies and gentlemen, Mister Dave [This content costs $4.99].
I mean, look there’s a lot that we can say about Electronic Arts and its current development and publishing style with the games that they release. While I’m sure that Mr. Evans has little to do with the current direction the company has taken in milking every penny out of some kid who accidentally stumbled across Dad’s credit card in his wallet, you have to admit there’s something wrong about BOOZY BOXES CONTAIN ALL OF THE OPINIONS ON ELECTRONIC ARTS! BUY ONE TODAY FOR ONLY $14.99!
Still, you can’t fault Clio for thinking that the business practices of Mr. Evans’s baby, the mega-conglomerate that has become Electronic Arts, applies well to a room full of lawyers. Or the fact that they’ve literally opened one of the goddamn seals of the apocalypse by placing people who have mastered the art of billing in tenth of an hour increments in the same room with the founder of a company that figured out someone will literally mortgage their fucking house to play as Han Solo or to buy the add-on that gives their fictional avatar the ability to own a fucking dog. I can’t help but feel there’s been some horrible mistake here. Clio has created the new method of legal billing in one fell swoop, where we provide only the bare minimum amount of work and send you text messages insisting you pay for each court appearance and extra if you want me to, you know, actually fucking wear pants in court.
Good fucking job, guys.
Fucking Yoga Classes?
What type of yuppie coming of age new era crystal healing bullshit is going on that a lawyer conference is advertising the fact that yoga classes will be available to the attendees of the convention? Fucking yoga classes? Really? Welcome to the new goddamn era folks, where attorneys going to New Orleans, instead of drinking in the numerous…drinks…that are available to them in the hotbed of sin that is the Big Sleazy instead decide to nama-stay the fuck in the hotel so they can do downward facing dog.
” Pop by in the morning for yoga and those precious moments of tranquility before diving into the day’s work. We have the mats and the yoga instructor, you just need to be ready for your moment of zen[ ]” reads the copy on the site about this wonderful activity which is going to take place at 7:00 in the goddamn morning on a Friday after an out-all-night ‘After Dark’ party package in New Orleans. Oh fuck a lot of that zen and enlightenment! At 7:00 in the goddamn morning you assholes should just now be going to bed, not seeking a centering activity based on making sure your mental and physical well-being are ensured by engaging yourself in spiritually and emotionally, not to mention physically, healthy activities! What is this brave new world of law bullshit? It’s almost like Clio is trying to destroy the whole “lawyers are bitter professionals” image to replace it with the promotion of the attorney as not only a legal counselor but a complete human being with a need for their own care!
You know what? Just to spite them, I’m going to get an eat an entire box of Dunkin Donuts on Friday morning at 7:00 a.m. on my way to a fucking deposition. The whole goddamn box. Just me and Donnie, the Emperor of the Supreme Court. Fuck you guys.
It’s Just the Same Boring Crowd!
You know the worst part of these fucking things? How it’s the same people that go to them time after time, you know, those folks with nothing better to do. That way they can all gather around and talk about how amazing they are as lawyers and humans, the old fogies with the sticks shoved so far up their asses they can’t bow without wood creaking. Who the fuck wants to spend a weekend around those boring ass motherfuckers, right?
Like Keith Lee from Associate’s Mind and LawyerSmack, who at this point I seriously think he doesn’t even practice law anymore. I think he just runs around the country promoting his latest endeavor to small groups of attorneys. Seriously. What the fuck is with this guy, whose website is consistently ranked one of the best resources for law students and young attorneys and who built an entire internet networking platform for lawyers to be lawyers with each other from fucking scratch? Who the fuck does he think he is, eh? I mean, he’s no “Lawyer who somehow ended up putting on short shorts for charity in front of a bunch of goddamn furries,” am I right?
Oh, and then there’s that Gyi Tsakalis asshole, a founder of AttorneySync, a member of the Lawyerist, A founder of EPL Digital, and an advisor over at Lawmatics. This year could someone yank Gyi aside and tell him that no matter how many fucking sites and projects he’s involved with we’re literally never going to pronounce his goddamn name correctly? Absolutely never. You can change a lot of things in the profession with all your work Gyi, but you can never change the fact that your family blew their fortune buying all the goddamn vowels for that moniker.
Don’t forget Patrick Palace from Palace Law. Lawyer, founding partner, vintner, and Young Randy Travis Impersonator. Who the hell wouldn’t want to listen to him sing all the country classics as he tells you how to open up a highly successful worker’s compensation firm and own a goddamn winery?
…Donnie, who last year was Emperor of the Supreme Court, and I will be perfectly fucking fine down at the Stoplight Tavern. Don’t you worry about us.
I Can Spend $1,000.00 on Better Things.
Last year we listed all the shit I could do with the $700.00 ticket price to attend the Clio Cloud Conference. This year, because the gods are good, the amount of money I don’t fucking have to attend a shindig in New Orleans was increased from the $700.00 number up to a cool $1,000.00, hotel and travel not included. Assholes, I buy my groceries at Aldi’s. You think I have $1,000.00 to bring my ass down to New Orleans to party with you for two days while ostensibly attending the 9 credit hours of CLE courses (averaging around $100.00 apiece for in person CLE courses). I mean, that means for only $100.00 over what I’d pay to take those CLE hours in some stuffy fucking room at the local bar association, I could take them in New Orleans and then go out and totally not do yoga or hang out with those other motherfuckers I talked about afterwards. Heh. I mean, who wants to do that shit, right?
Besides, there are so many other things I can do with that $1,000.00!
I mean, I could like buy $1,000.00 scratchoff tickets. Or I could make a downpayment on a really shitty car. Maybe payoff 1/4 of one credit card that I’ll immediately run back up to full boat limits again. I could even buy two suits of questionable manufacture from Jos. A. Banks, right! I mean, so much shit that I could use that money for.
I could buy a whole fucking bunch of donuts and spend a solid week in front of a yoga school eating them one by one, making uncomfortable eye contact with everyone inside.
SEE, COMPLETELY REASONABLE SHIT LIKE THAT.
TOTALLY NOT BITTER.
So, I’m totally okay with not being at the awesome fucking conference currently happening with all of the legal trendsetters. Completely cool with it. Shit, I’ll start my own goddamn conference in my basement and shit. Since you assholes like it so much, I’ll even pack it just chock fucking full of healthy activities and lootboxes where you have to pay for shit. Like a pay toilet! Yeah! That’s the fucking ticket. Hell, I can even get myself a keynote speaker from the games industry…I hear the folks over at Telltale Studios have some free time coming up.
Bet I could still get Keith Lee to come, though. The guy’s a bit of whore.
So next year look for BoozyCon 2019: A Lawyer Conference for the Rest of Us.
Donuts not provided.