Fetish Friday: Banging a Beagle Is Illegal (Zoophilia and the Law)

What’s that? Among the cries of “Please MORE” and “Oh DADDY” the alarm clock is going off deep in the dark basement dungeon letting me know it’s time to bring out the gimp for another installment of Fetish Friday here on Lawyers & Liquor. So clench those cheeks tight, get the riding crops ready, make sure all sex swings are firmly attached to load-bearing joists, and let’s lube up and dive down the rabbithole to take a look at all things perverted and just a little darkly exciting this month as we talk about “interspecies erotica” and the considerations and complications that may arise therefrom, just to clarify this is not something you would find on a normal adult pornography site such as www.fulltube.xxx, this is more like something you would find on the dark web.

Now, before we go too deep into the legal ramifications of giving a dog a bone, I want to be absolutely and completely clear: many times in these posts I tend to refrain from moralizing with folks. Generally, my statement is “If everyone’s consenting, it’s not illegal, and nobody’s getting hurt, fucking have at. None of my goddamn business.” This post is special, though, because we need to be clear on a couple important points before I even start tossing the kitty litter around: (1) for the vast majority of the readers out there, the activity I’m talking about today is fucking illegal, you won’t find beastiality videos on https://www.m-porn.xxx/ and why’s that you ask because yep you guessed it, it’s fucking illegal. You can and will be arrested for being involved with it; (2) I’m of the personal opinion that an animal which cannot affirmatively state consent to a sexual act in a recognizable language can’t consent to playing “knick knack paddywhack” with you; (3) people can be hurt during this activity, people can die during this activity, and both of those fucking things have definitely happened. Given that the practice of beastiality and/or zoophilia involves an act that, when consumated, violates all of my “Big Three Don’t-Give-A-Fuck Requirements,” I’m gonna go on record to say the next part.

Don’t fuck your pets.

But illegal or legal, morally correct or incorrect, reprehensible or acceptable, this shit happens. So, to that end, we’re gonna go ahead and start talking about what happens when you believe your cat likes a little more than chicken and liver, and it ain’t Meow Mix you’re about to deliver.

Is There a Difference Between Zoophilia and Beastiality, Legally?

Yeah. Yeah there is.

“Zoophilia” is defined by Webster’s as “an erotic fixation on animals that may result in sexual excitement through real or imagined contact.” In other words, a zoophile looks at a zoo as a place to store material into the old spank bank.

“Bestiality,” is defined as having sex with an animal. So, in other words, where the zoophile is turned on by the dog, the person engaged in bestiality is fucking the dog.

I would imagine there is a lot of overlap between these two groups, but it’s an important distinction to note. Not all people sexually aroused by animals necessarily cross the line into giving kitty a “treat,” and likewise not all people who modify Red Rover to “bend Rover over” are going to be zoophiles. College is a fucked up time, folks.

But really, our distinction is as follows: much like pedophilia, the mere fact that one is sexually excited by animals is not illegal. The act of fulfilling the sexual proclivity, however, is illegal in most places.

Most Places?

Yep, most places. Looking only at the United States, 43 states have made the act of engaging in sexual intercourse with an animal a violation of the fucking (in this sense, quite goddamn literally fucking) law. Of the 7 states that haven’t taken this step (Hawaii, Kentucky, Nevada, New Mexico, Vermont, West Virginia, and Wyoming), 4 of them currently have pending legislation to make it illegal for you and your dachshund to share a romantic glass of wine, put on some Barry White, and see where the evening takes you. This means that in only 3 states out of 50 can you still feel free to give your pets a whole new sort of issues without worry that you’ll be arrested for doing so.

Want the quick and dirty summary? In 43 states dog-fucking is illegal, full stop, end of conversation. Take it up with you legislators or become the test case hero of dog-fucking if you want that to change. In another 4, it’s likely to become illegal very shortly, full stop, same disclaimer. In 3 of them, you can make a cat yowl all night without facing a legal issue for now.

Just…you know…don’t expect a lot of people to ask you to pet sit for them.

So if I move to one of those states…

Please don’t fuck your dog.

Please.

Don’t You Judge Me.

No, I feel this is an area where I can judge you to some extent, because although animals are property and we slaughter them for food and shit, there’s no reason to subject your pet or property to the trauma that is human-animal intercourse. I mean, at least in my opinion. But if it makes you feel better, there actually is an argument out there that, as pets are property and we literally fucking kill them as well as masturbate them for profit, it should be okay to fuck them.

I’m not a part of that crowd. Sorry guys, the “It’s all good” train that I tend to careen down the tracks in stops about the same time we start discussing what does and does not constitute consent from an animal that can’t talk. If you want to fuck your dog, feel free to move to Hawaii, New Mexico, or Wyoming. They’re still legally fine with it for the moment.

Of course, it doesn’t really help my argument that in a lot of the 43 states mentioned above the production of bestiality pornographic content is technically legal, even if the act itself isn’t legal.

So If There’s A Camera Present…

Please stop trying to find loopholes that will let you perform a Cleveland Steamer on Fido. I’m literally fucking begging, though not sitting or rolling over, for you to stop.

But to answer your unspoken question: it’s a lot more complicated than that, you sick little monkey. See, as the legal smut-monger, and pretty cool guy, Marc Randazza explains over on his blog The Legal Satyricon, the question for the allowance of the production of pornography mainly rests on a legal mindgame that sort of got played out in California v. Freeman and on the logic that prostitution, the act of sex for money, may be illegal, but paying two people to engage in sex in order to film it is not illegal. The distinction there being that while prostitution is illegal, sex is not. That’s the relevant question: is the underlying conduct illegal?

Randazza recently talked about this question again, taking the view that while dog-fucking may not be okay it shouldn’t fall under obscene, and therefore be prosecutable under the obscenity laws of a state, when the act that is being filmed isn’t in itself illegal. That’s right, a lawyer made an argument that it would be legal to film dog-fucking so long as the act of dog-fucking itself isn’t illegal.

This makes a lot of sense, by the way, as it was pointed out in Freeman that the mere presence of a camera can’t transform an illegal act into a legal one. So in those states where it’s illegal to round the bases with a duct-taped hamster, you’re likely to fall afoul of obscenity laws (a whole other discussion for a whole other day) through the act of filming it. This sort of makes the state enacting a separate legislation unnecessary, although there could remain an argument that although it was illegal it was for an artistic purpose…

…Please don’t fuck your dogs and send videos to the Louvre.

What About Just…OWNING…It?

Well, I mean, that raises a lot of questions, the first being whether interstate travel of bestiality videos and pictures could fall afoul of federal obscenity statutes as well as local ones, but let’s assume it doesn’t. Note, this is probably a big fucking “if,” but hey. Let’s say you have, on your home computer, a dozen pictures that would destroy someone’s perception of Black Beauty forever.

In Oregon, the possession of “interspecies erotica, Fuck-o” is patently illegal. Everywhere else, it appears to be entirely legal.

Why Can The State Dictate My Dick’s Viewing Pleasure? I HAVE FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHTS TO LOOK AT THIS SHIT!

Now we’re asking an interesting question and I can pretend for a moment that it has nothing to do with making Rover beg like a good boy.

Alright, so obscenity is a real thing when it comes to the First Amendment, and the Supreme Court of the United States has held that it isn’t protected by the First Amendment. But the famous line from Justice Stewart is:

“I shall not today attempt further to define the kinds of material I understand to be [hardcore pornography], and perhaps I could never succeed in intelligibly doing so. But I know it when I see it.”

That’s a really fucked up and easy to misinterpret standard, so SCOTUS came up with one slightly better than that in 1973 in the case Miller v. California, 413 U.S. 15, which established a three-pronged test known as The Miller Test that goes as follows, as amended for laymen:

  1. Does this shit appeal to someone’s sexual desires, taking into account the community standards?
  2. Is this the sort of shit that would violate some state law regarding sexual conduct?
  3. Does this shit have any serious non-sexual purpose, such as artistic, scientific, etc?

If the answers are, in order, Yes, Yes, and No, the material is likely going to be treated as being obscene. Once it’s obscene, it’s no longer First Amendment protected speech. Once it’s no longer First Amendment protected speech, the state can regulate it under its obscenity law…something every fucking state has.

Every. Fucking. State.

Getting the picture here? If the state makes fucking a ferret illegal under its statutes, you’re unlikely to prevail on a First Amendment argument for your production of Backdoor Beagles 5.

I Don’t Like You Now.

Tough titty said the kitty, but the milk’s still good.

I should really think my pithy sayings out a bit better, considering the audience.

The law doesn’t exist to make you feel all warm and fluffy inside, sorry folks, and at the end of the day the fact remains that in the vast majority of the United States you can’t fuck your animals, nor can you produce animal pornography because the underlying act is illegal. In one state, you can’t even own the shit. Thems be the facts, and if you want them changed then you need to do it the same way people have been doing this shit for ages: lobbying and being willing to get arrested for those acts and become the test case for the legalization of animal fucking.

Just, you know, don’t expect me to be all “rah rah sis boom bah” cheerleading for you on that one. While I’m an animal lover, I’m not an animal lover if you catch my drift. Sure, if you pay me I’ll make the best case I could, but I’m sure as shit not shaking your hand afterwards.

But, you know, if you’re in Hawaii, New Mexico, or Wyoming…It ain’t illegal yet. So I guess have at. You don’t need my approval to not break the law.

-BB