Alright folks, I’m in depositions all day today trying to protect a client from themselves, and that means it’s time for another edition of my filler material, namely “So You Want To Be A Lawyer?”
In the last two parts we talked about the history of the legal profession and how you will disappoint my dad and be poor. However, some of you have been sending me messages telling me that this is actually encouraging you to go to law school. Jesus. I knew a lot of my newer readers are into some kinky shit, but this level of self-abuse is fucking unheard of.
But fine. Fine, you don’t care about money, you’re willing to disappoint my father, and you’re okay with the fact the ABA invented a time machine to exert a stranglehold on the legal profession. Are you willing to be the world’s less funny, less endearing Rodney Dangerfield?
Because, buddy, you sure as shit ain’t getting no respect.
So the money isn’t an issue and you’ve found some elderly man named Herschel who’ll support your burning desire to be a lawyer and serve the public good? Oh. Well, fuck you, and let’s move on to the next reason that you definitely don’t want to be a goddamn attorney: nobody is going to respect you. Literally fucking ever. Your family isn’t going to respect you, other lawyers aren’t going to respect, the media won’t fucking respect you, your clients won’t fucking respect you. Nobody will respect you. At. Fucking. All.
There was a time when the practice of law was this sort of erudite profession that attracted high thinkers and noble minded men. It was one of those things that people looked up to and treated lawyers with some basic level of respect, viewing them as educated and valuable members of society. Two neighbors would have a dispute, and they’d go to the local lawyer to help resolve the matter, who would listen to both of the men and then give his well-reasoned analysis. There’s a reason that Abraham Lincoln once said:
Discourage litigation. Persuade your neighbors to compromise whenever you can. Point out to them how the nominal winner is often the real loser – in fees, expenses, and waste of time. As a peacemaker the lawyer has a superior opportunity to be a good man. There will still be business enough.
That’s right, I dropped some Honest Abe on you. Seriously though, read that quote and think about it for a second.
Now turn on literally any daytime TV show and tell me whether or not the lawyers appearing during the commercial breaks look like the types that’ll “discourage” litigation. If your answer is anything other than “You mean Robert ‘The Pennsylvania Panther’ Shapiro, whose phone number literally fucking includes the word ‘CASH’? No. No, I don’t believe he’s a less-than-litigious person,” then I’m gonna need to ask you to kindly show yourself out of the waiting line for the LSAT right the fuck now. You obviously lack the necessary observational skills and situational awareness for the practice of law…not that it’ll prevent you from getting accepted somewhere, but…
There’s a reason we don’t hear high-minded quotes like that anymore. You know why? Because the only people that know them are lawyers, and lawyers only know them so we can pull them out of our back pocket when some asshole is telling a lawyer joke for the millionth time. “Hey Terry, what do you call 100 lawyers chained together at the bottom of the ocean?” “I dunno Hank, what do you call a lawyer who held the goddamn country together and freed the fuckin’ slaves?” This is the type of shit we deal with on a daily basis.
You want to hear a fun story? Remember when I told you about working in insurance and literally fucking killing people? You know what people would say to me when I told them what I did for a living? “Well, I mean, at least you’re not a lawyer.” I sold used cars for a while. I mean real fuckin’ rustbuckets that people would finance at insane goddamn interest rates. We’re talking “might as well be credit card interest rates, except you can’t get approved for a credit card you fuckin’ skell” rates. Most commonly heard phrase in the deal room? “Only thing I hate more than car salesmen are lawyers.” Think about that. Somewhere, during World War II, someone probably took a Nazi prisoner and said something like “If he was a lawyer, he’d be a real shitbag.” Welcome to the noble profession, fuckface.
Think this will be restricted to people that don’t know you? Jesus Christ, no. Your family’s going to get into the act on this shit, too. See, at first they’ll be all proud of you. “My boy Johnny, he’s a lawyer,” your mother will say with pride. Of course, that pride will disappear the first time she finds out you’re representing a child molester, or foreclosing on some poor schlub who lost his job. Yeah, at that point Momma is gonna sit your ass down and say shit like “I raised you better than this” or “Can’t you just help people?” What are you going to say as your poor mother’s eyes well up with tears? You gonna sit there and say “Gee Mom, I’m an important part of the adversarial system and ensure that every person who comes before the court has proper representation. It’s a cornerstone of democracy!” No. No you aren’t. You know what you’re going to say? “Mom, I gotta eat and they’re a paying client.” Then you’re going to sit there and watch your mother’s face as she wonders what happened to her darling baby that turned them into such a moral-less piece of shit.
Law school happened, Momma. Law school happened.
But maybe you’ll be different, right? I mean, the world is changing all the time, and certainly at some point there will be a call to action that lawyers will answer. In that moment, in that one moment, the value of attorneys will be clear to the world, and you will be a part of that most noble profession! Hell, maybe it won’t even be something world-shattering, maybe it’ll just be you, the one good lawyer who proves that we serve a purpose, and through your actions you’ll win us all a newfound respect from society. Man, go you. I am so happy that’s your goal, to be the type of lawyer that makes us all look good.
I mean, it’s a completely fucking pointless goal that’ll cause you to live a life of disappointment and emptiness, sitting night after night at your desk with a bottle of booze and a gun with only a single bullet just…thinking about it. Why? Oh, that’s cause no matter how hard you work to bring repute to our profession, no matter how righteous you attempt to be, no matter what joy you seek to instill in others, one truth will always fucking remain: when we get respect, we will immediately fuck it up.
Look at me. I’m so starved for love I created a separate Twitter account just to engage with the furries. This is a problem, buddy. It really is a problem.
But, hey, to each their own. I’ve got shit to do today. If you guys are still considering wasting your immeasurable talents that could be applied in a better fashion to literally any other fucking field, come back next week.
Cause I want to talk to you assholes about what you can expect the practice of law to actually be like.
P.S. Hey. Hey you guys. I recently added some pages on the site, check them out.
Also, my email contact is now under “About Us.” You actually have to click on that word, not the dropdown. I’ll figure out a better way to do that later, but right now it’s early, I haven’t had coffee, and I’m functionally handicapped when it comes to website shit.