Lawyers Don’t Judge: A Followup to Yesterday and Some Art

Whoa.  Just…Just whoa. So apparently I became popular with furries yesterday. The Twitter feed for BoozyBarrister is, in the words of Habeas Porpoise (whose blog you can find in the “Links” section), a “veritable fucking Noah’s Ark of animals.” There’s fan art that has been made (I’ll stick it in the bottom of this post), and apparently more fan art being made, and people are trying to talk me into attending conventions to ply me with booze and give drunken legal talks to rooms full of furries.

I’m fucking loving it.

However, it got me thinking about some shit, mainly about why a salty lawyer such as myself somehow obtained cult status within a community in the course of 24 hours, and how it came to pass that I’ve been adopted as some sort of unofficial mascot (is pet a better word? Am I their pet lawyer now?) for furries.  I raised this issue with a couple lawyers in our super-secret-chatroom last night, and got this response:

“I think this is a result of an often ostracized group feeling as if you’ve given them mainstream legitimacy in a way that doesn’t shame them for who they are,” responded one lawyer.

“Yeah, sure,” I answered, “But, you know, people are people.”

“Yes for sure,” he told me, “but they are a group that doesn’t get that sentiment. They’re pushed to the fringes of society and I can only assume when they get a little bit of legitimacy without being made fun of they’re thrilled.”

I then may have proposed writing something about fundamentalist, evangelical Christians to see if I could attract an equal number of them to the blog and Twitter, then try to broker some sort of Camp David accord between the Furries and the Freewill Baptists.  But you know what?  Fuck that noise. I’m gonna have a much more meaningful conversation, and it’s directed at my regular readers, what I can only assume are my now-Furry Masters, and anyone else out there who feels like they can’t just be who the fuck they are with a lawyer.

We’re your lawyers, and we don’t care.

I mean that in the best possible way, guys. We don’t fucking care what you do. So long as it doesn’t hurt other people and everyone involved consents, you can do whatever the fuck you want. You can be gay, straight, bi, trans, furry, a Daddy, a Little, what the fuck ever. We don’t give two shits what you’re doing in your personal life past the point where it affects your case, because that’s your fucking business and it has no bearing on our goddamn representation of you. Don’t be afraid of talking to your lawyer.

Oh, that doesn’t mean we accept whatever the fuck it is you do, but the dirty little secret of our profession is we don’t have to approve of you in order to represent you. This is actually one of the very first fuckin’ rules of our professional code of ethics:

A lawyer’s representation of a client, including representation by appointment, does not constitute an endorsement of the client’s political, economic, social or moral views or activities.

See how that’s written? We can represent you without adopting your habits, your morals, you social views, or your activities. I’ve written wills that leave estates to alt-right organizations before, and I’m about on par with Bernie Sanders politically and socially. I’ve represented people that I find to be absolutely fuckin’ reprehensible human beings. I do it because I’m their fucking lawyer and that’s my fucking job.

So please, when involved with an attorney, don’t think you have to hide shit that may be important about your case or could affect how things turn out for you because you’re worried about our approval. Our approval doesn’t fucking matter. We are not being paid to pass judgment on you, we’re being paid to represent you and to do so vigorously. Sure, we can find a reason to decline representation, but unless you’re into some shit that is way fucking off the charts, you will never be the strangest client we have.

Yeah, we may make fun of you when you leave the office, too. That’s not personal. We have a fucked up sense of humor, it’s an occupational hazard, and we’ll make fun of every client we have at some point in time. However, we’re never going to make fun of you to your face, we’re never going to slack off on the case because you “deserve it,” and we’re never going to sell you out just because we don’t like what you do in your personal life. If you’re our client, we’re your motherfuckin’ Ali going into the ring for you. Don’t worry about any of that other shit…if you keep paying the invoices, we’ll fight for you the whole goddamn way to the end (Yeah, no, I get paid for my representation. You want a free lawyer, go ‘way).

There’s a simply beauty about that, too. A lawyer, like a priest, is someone you can unburden yourself to in a time of need. My approval isn’t important, making sure you’re legally okay is. So please, don’t hold the fuck back. Pop the cap off the bottle of crazy and let it all flow out in my conference room.

Now that I’ve made all you non-lawyers warm and fuzzy, go away.  I need to talk to the attorneys.

They gone yet?


Alright you assholes, listen the fuck up. I know that you may not understand what a client is into, and I get that sometimes you just sit there and worry about whether or not you feel like you can ethically or morally justify representing someone because you don’t agree with their personal lives or their political views. I get it, because I have lines in representation I won’t cross as well, but my lines are based on the firm fucking belief that there are certain people I don’t trust myself to represent zealously: child molesters and heroin dealers. I have such a visceral and vitriolic reaction to those two classes I wouldn’t trust myself to not subconsciously fuck up their case.

And yeah, I expect some of you have the same issue, where you’re so strongly opposed to something that you just can’t competently and zealously handle the case. But, please, fucking realize this is your fucking problem. This is not a problem with your clients, this is an issue you have (yes, even in the realm of child molesters and drug dealers). It is something about you, not them, that stops you from being able to represent them like any other client. Sometimes that’s understandable, sometimes it isn’t, but stop making it into a problem with the client. People who don’t do fucked up things generally don’t need our help.

So here’s the deal, shitstains: start fostering a relationship of trust and communication with your clients and don’t fuckin’ pass judgment on them. Stop assuming their personal lives say something about their legal case, unless of course it does, and making people scared to talk to you. Make your office a place where your clients can be told “You’re a fucking idiot” because the are a fucking idiot (they’re always fucking idiots…) and not a place where they hear it because you don’t exactly like what they do in their off time.

Lawyers were, at one point, trusted friends and counselors. That’s the bedrock our profession was built on. Let’s try to fucking remember that shit.

Now, I promised you assholes some furry art:

Peace out, I got court today.




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