So, it’s Thanksgiving. As it’s Thanksgiving, I’m going to forgo a diatribe about some ridiculous shit. Instead, I’m going to list seven things that I, as an easily amused and often inebriated attorney, am thankful for.
In general, I’m thankful for strippers many days of the year. Where else can I reaffirm that while my days may be stress filled and I deal with shitty people that I can barely stand, at least there’s still one career choice below attorney.
More specifically, I’m thankful for the ladies of Cheetah Gentlemen’s Club in Hallandale Beach, Florida for their charity in offering up scrumptious, plump breasts and legs to the general public by giving away Thanksgiving turkeys to the needy of their area. Having sued strip clubs in the past, it’s nice to see one that takes an interest in building up the community and helping the less fortunate, or, as some may call it, their “future employees.” In all seriousness, the next time I’m in Hallandale Beach, Florida, I’m going to make sure to make several large donations in $1 increments to the dancers there.
From posts that border on the unlicensed practice of law to folks recounting their experiences trekking through the Swamps of Dagobah, Reddit has done nothing but suck up my free time in the office when I should be doing something else. Considering that sometimes cat memes are the only think stopping me from strangling clients, I view that as a victory.
I’ve been pretty open about my absolute hatred of The Donald and my bewilderment that he’s now the country’s President. However, as a snarky son of a bitch and a licensed attorney, I am thankful for the next four years. If he’s serious about even a quarter of his policies, my billables will increase significantly, and even if he isn’t serious there’s sure to be no end of shit to talk about. So, for the job security, I’m thankful for him.
4. The Irredeemable Stupidity of Mankind
I frequently find myself saying that if my clients were intelligent, I’d be out of work. From the idiots that assume a form contract they find for a completely unrelated matter is good enough for them to draft their own agreement, all the way down to the moronic assumption that anyone can file a pleading with the court, I’m thankful that people are stupid. More specifically, I’m thankful that their stupidity keeps me financially solvent.
5. Booker’s Bourbon Whiskey
Others may be thankful for their friends, their family, or their health. I’m thankful that at the end of the evening I get to go home, let the dogs out, and pour a nice, tall glass of bourbon. From my nicotine-stained fingers to my gravelly voice, bourbon has made me the man I am today. Oh sure, some people point out that means I’m overweight and often spending time alone, as well as being sometime abrasive and overall just an asshole, but I prefer to think of it as having been the one liquid other than my mother’s milk that gave me character.
From “Man robs fast food restaurant with alligator” to “woman decapitated giving road head,” Florida has been a source of constant amusement. If I’m ever feeling down about my life in general, I just pull up a list of news stories from Florida and instantly feel somewhat better about myself. No matter how bad things get, I never have to worry about someone on bath salts eating my fucking face.
7. My Family and Friends
I know, I just got done saying others are thankful for these things. However, I’m constantly thankful for my family and my friends. From my kids who put up with Dad pulling long hours on a case file to my friends who have gotten used to meeting me at a bar instead of a restaurant.