“I Should Have Lost That:” Winning a bad case.

Lawyers like to brag.  We are a bragodocious bunch.  We’ll regale you for hours with tales of our knowledge, our waist size, our many leather bound books, etc.  Most important to a lawyer, though, is making sure everyone know how good of a lawyer he or she is by telling them, frequently and repeatedly, of their many wins.

Now, when we recount these tales to muggles, we always sound confident and assured.  Of course we fuckin’ won, that’s what we do, and we’re goddamn good at what we do.  We’ll pigeonhole your ass in the corner of a bar and ramble in your face about the cases we’ve won, the victory snatched from the jaws of defeat, our “master plans” and strategies.  By the time you’re desperately gnawing on your arm to get away from us, you’ll be assured multiple times that we’re simply the best, better than all the rest, better than anyone, anyone you’ve ever met.

Want to hear the dirty little secret?  We’ve all won cases that we should have fucking lost, and most of the time we’re completely fucking dumbfounded on how it happened.  But those aren’t the tales lawyers tell to people.  We never admit that we know we should have lost the fucking case.  In our presentation, we knew we would win all along.

But we’re lying to your face.  There’s absolutely no way “Johnny Meth-head” should have walked away with a slap on the wrist, free to buy and smoke again.  So how the fuck did that happen?  How the hell does a case that is a dead-bang loser turn into a victory?

It could be luck.  Or, like I’m gonna tell you shit-wipes right now, it could be that the lawyer is so fucking skilled that he can fall ass-backwards into a winning combination without even knowing it.

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It Gets Worse: Why I Have No Sympathy For Bar Takers.

So a lot of people are taking the bar exam this week.  A lot of stressed out, no-chill, on the verge of a mental breakdown people.  All over this great nation, people have spent time today and yesterday setting up their laptops and holding their breath until it boots completely up.  Tonight, thousands will upload their exams with bated breath, praying that there’s no 2014 level breakdown that pushes them completely over the edge.  Yes, for folks all over the nation, it’s a time for them to freak the hell out knowing that their future, and indeed their chances at a career practicing law, will hinge on their performance over 48-72 hours.

Likewise, every attorney and bar association nationwide is tweeting, blogging, and emailing their support to the bar takers.  They’re sending out tips, giving advice, telling people to “just relax and do their best.”  Admissions offices of law schools are crossing their fingers.  Everyone is supporting the graduates seeking to enter the profession of law.

Want to hear a dirty secret, bar takers?

Most of us are secretly laughing at you.

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Two Lawyer Websites That Make Me Miss Geocities

So the new age of lawyer advertising is here, and it’s on the internet.  The good thing is this is a great way for lawyers to passively put their names out there and give potential clients some information on their offices.  The bad thing is that lawyers, as a fucking rule, are inept as hell when it comes to technology.  The end result of lawyers advertising on the web and technological retardation is, predictably, lawyer websites that look like they’re refugees from the Great Geocities Purge of 2009.

Of all the things we lost in the recession, Geocities is the one that hurt my soul the most.

So today’s post is going to look at two attorney websites I found recently which brought me back to the bygone days of Geocities and websites that were uglier than sin.  Hey, don’t go anywhere…I have pictures for this one!

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Slow Post Week, Friday Music, and Why: Coast of Carolina

I’m a parrothead, but Mac McAnally’s cover of this is wonderful.

Alright, I know I didn’t get a third post out this week. Valentine’s week is a rough one for me for personal reasons, and it is every year. Let’s just say I made a lot of good memories on that week a long time ago, and although I’m a hardbitten sonuvabitch, I’m still allowed to have emotions from time to time.

Podcast should be up on Monday barring me being a larger technological idiot, and we’ll return to the normal posting schedule next week.  Enjoy the weekend, folks.


How To Make A Client Settle- Prepare Them From The Start

Alright, I’ve talked in the past about how clients suck, about how clients are liars, about how clients are righteous motherfuckers, about how clients frustrate and infuriate, etc.  The take away from a lot of this is I don’t have a lot of fuckin’ love for clients in general.  The practice of law would be a wonderful thing if it wasn’t for the mouth-breathers that tend to waltz in the office doors with a bucket of problems and a small bag of pennies to pay with.  However, as clients tend to be an necessary part of me being able to afford things like new socks, I grudgingly tolerate and accept them.

But even I, a certified client-hater, know that nine times out of ten when a lawyer is bitching about a client they’re actually bitching about themselves.  Simply put, clients aren’t always the most intelligent beings on the face of the earth, and therefore a client can be managed if the lawyer sets down expectations early.  Still I hear about it at every bar function: how some low-life shitbird has fucked up their attorney’s day by refusing to settle or demanding a day in court.  They’ll kvetch over how shitty the claim is or how reasonable the offer was, and then, while swilling whiskey, proclaim “My client’s a fucking idiot.”  I have no sympathy in many cases.

You know what?  That’s your fucking fault, man.  That’s a result of shit you did early on and kept fucking doing right up until a settlement offer came in and you, probably correctly, advised that accepting it was the best offer.  However, your client got stars in their eyes and didn’t want to settle now.  They had faith in you, they believed everything you said to them early on, and their confidence has only grown since then.  Why should they take $100,000 or $200,000 when initially you told them they could get $500,000?

So how the fuck did you get in this mess in the first place, and how the fuck can you get out of this mess?  Well, I mean, now you’re only getting out of it by forcing the client to see the reasonableness of a settlement, with a ball bat if necessary.  How can you avoid getting into it in the first place?

By managing their expectations realistically, fuckwit.  

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