Lawyers like to brag. We are a bragodocious bunch. We’ll regale you for hours with tales of our knowledge, our waist size, our many leather bound books, etc. Most important to a lawyer, though, is making sure everyone know how good of a lawyer he or she is by telling them, frequently and repeatedly, of their many wins.
Now, when we recount these tales to muggles, we always sound confident and assured. Of course we fuckin’ won, that’s what we do, and we’re goddamn good at what we do. We’ll pigeonhole your ass in the corner of a bar and ramble in your face about the cases we’ve won, the victory snatched from the jaws of defeat, our “master plans” and strategies. By the time you’re desperately gnawing on your arm to get away from us, you’ll be assured multiple times that we’re simply the best, better than all the rest, better than anyone, anyone you’ve ever met.
Want to hear the dirty little secret? We’ve all won cases that we should have fucking lost, and most of the time we’re completely fucking dumbfounded on how it happened. But those aren’t the tales lawyers tell to people. We never admit that we know we should have lost the fucking case. In our presentation, we knew we would win all along.
But we’re lying to your face. There’s absolutely no way “Johnny Meth-head” should have walked away with a slap on the wrist, free to buy and smoke again. So how the fuck did that happen? How the hell does a case that is a dead-bang loser turn into a victory?
It could be luck. Or, like I’m gonna tell you shit-wipes right now, it could be that the lawyer is so fucking skilled that he can fall ass-backwards into a winning combination without even knowing it.