Negotiation, How The Fuck Does It Work? Part 1, Getting to No.

Alright folks, let’s talk about the fine fucking art of negotiation. This isn’t exactly a new topic, with people writing about it all the goddamn time and there being a lot of books out there, like the seminal volume Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In (a…pretty good read), but it’s one that I really haven’t written on yet, have I? No, I haven’t, you know, in case you’re the type of mouthbreather who can’t be bothered to actually read my past entries on this site to determine if I am, in fact being truthful.

By the way, fuck you for doubting me.

Anyhow, we’ve all been there before, ain’t we? On the verge of making a case that’s been sitting around like a thumbtack in your extra-wide ass go the fuck away by finally reaching some sort of reasonable resolution with opposing counsel. We’ve all felt the thrill of hearing a number that isn’t too far apart from your client’s number, and started to do that Snoopy dance of unmitigated joy at the prospect of finally closing the file. Sure, billables are great and all, but at some fuckin’ point continuing with the litigation just doesn’t make sense for anybody involved, and the clients are starting to get weary of paying the monthly invoice with no discernable (to them) movement on the case at all…because clients have no idea that 90% of legal work is done behind the scenes, and it’s hard to encapsulate “spent five hours desperately trying to salvage the claim from the client’s latest fuck-up” in a form on the invoice that doesn’t raise their unjustified ire.

So you waltz to opposing counsel and say “Hey, let me take this over to my guy, but I think I’m going to suggest we heavily consider this one.” Everything is right with the world, and your client says “Get me $1,000 more and we’re done.” Great! Who’s going to fight over a fucking grand?

Opposing counsel’s client, who just dropped their last offer by $6,000 in response to your counter. Congrats, you’ve gone from “a reasonable prospect of settlement” to “a goddamn negotiation.” So, what exactly are you dealing with? Shit man, that’s hard to say, because everyone out there negotiates stuff differently. Hey, why don’t we take three fucking days to talk about it?

Well, welcome aboard for the first day of my three part series on “Negotiation, How The Fuck Does That Work?” Today we’re gonna talk, really generally, about the issues in how negotiation styles are being taught to prospective lawyers. Tonight (or Monday), we’ll talk about The Types of Negotiators You’re Gonna Meet, then, to wrap the whole damn thing up, we’ll talk about how you can avoid being the fucking problem.

But, today, let’s just stick with the issues in how negotiation styles are being taught, and when I say “styles,” I mean the one fucking style law schools actually teach: Principled Negotiation.

Continue reading “Negotiation, How The Fuck Does It Work? Part 1, Getting to No.”

The ABA Is Pointless: Boozy’s Take on the American Bar Association.

So back in 1878, 75 lawyers from all across the country had a collective seizure and somehow found themselves in Saratoga Springs, New York. While for many people, that many lawyers in one place at the same time would be the basis for a really good joke, for lawyers it of course meant that they needed to all meet and form an organization. This organization was the American Bar Association, and we’ve been desperately trying to free ourselves from the yoke of association ever since.

Of course, it immediately fucking transformed itself into the Evil Empire of the legal profession, insinuating its way pointlessly into the day-to-day life of the lawyer and somehow gaining the reins of power over entry into the fucking legal profession itself, despite having no real authority to oversee the practice of law fucking anywhere.

Yeah, this is one of those posts.  Enjoy the ride.

Continue reading “The ABA Is Pointless: Boozy’s Take on the American Bar Association.”

“It Should Be Longer” “That’s What She Said.” : A review of Portia Porter’s “Alienation of Affections”

Okay, so, for the past few weeks I’ve been promising to review Portia Porter’s Alienation of Affections, the latest in her saga of practicing family law in the quasi-fictional jurisdiction of South Duck. I gotta admit, I took much longer to do it than I initially intended, and much longer than she really expected it to take. That’s on me to some extent, and mainly because of the subject matter of her latest book. To be quite honest, it came in a little too close to home for me.

So, to fulfill my obligation, here’s that review I been promising. Happy, Portia?

Continue reading ““It Should Be Longer” “That’s What She Said.” : A review of Portia Porter’s “Alienation of Affections””

LSAT Versus the GRE: Harvard Fucks It Up For Everyone

HEY! Did you hear the big fuckin’ news? Harvard Law decided it was no longer going to require the LSAT to be considered for admission! Oh happy fucking day for all those poor little shits about to register for the administration of the LSAT that’s going to take place in about three months! No longer will they be required to actually register and sit for a graduate school admission exam that can only be applied to one particular type of school. No, from on high in Cambridge it has been declared that the GRE will from henceforth be an acceptable standard by which to measure applicants for entry into the legal profession.

Of course, you know, this is only at fucking Harvard Law where, let’s just accept facts, most of you shitstains who have decided to practice law have not been and will not be accepted to study. If your end goal in life is to be a lawyer with a Harvard degree, I hoped you made that decision while you were in kindergarten and then proceeded to engage in every extracurricular activity you could find from then until now. That, or be a URM. Those are about the only two options you’re going to have.

Every other law school out there, however, is still going to require your ass sit for the LSAT with the rest of us mouthbreathers and struggle your way through, praying for a score that doesn’t make you take and re-take it until you’re acceptable to something other than the Infinilaw House of Pancakes and Law (Opening in Charlotte in 2018).  Well, I mean, there or the University of Arizona, which also accepts the GRE, but let’s just be completely honest: who the fuck actually wants to go live in Arizona?

And you know what? I think that maintaining the LSAT as a requirement for admission to law school is a good fucking thing, no matter what the ABA and Harvard may say.

Continue reading “LSAT Versus the GRE: Harvard Fucks It Up For Everyone”

Waiving Privilege: A Discovery War Story

So yesterday was a snow day for me, which meant I got to sit at my kitchen table and review my case files over and over again, churning out the billables in the comfort of my home and a pair of fleece pajamas with fucking labs on them. It was pleasant. I enjoyed it.

As part of reviewing my case files, though, I also ended up reviewing some discovery production that was going out soon, an electronic copy of which I’d uploaded to a secured cloud server so I can be a redacting fool from anywhere in the world. Most lawyers hate going through discovery production to the opposing party, and I’ll admit it’s a pretty big pain in the ass. It takes forever and can suck away entire days. Hell, that’s why big firms hire doc reviewers and first year associates to sit around and do nothing but obsess over what’s in each and every document.

Me, however? I like to do it all myself when possible, because what you produce in discovery to an opposing party can seriously fuck your case up, and I’m the type of guy who, at the end of the day, believes the buck stops with me and nobody else. I learned this from my boss, who from day one has made it very clear that on each and every one of his cases, the buck stops with me and nobody else.

So let’s talk about that, how trusting your case to someone else can seriously fuck you over and why it may be worth your time to go through the documents your own goddamn self.

I’m gonna tell you fucktards a story to illustrate my point today, so gather round children.

Continue reading “Waiving Privilege: A Discovery War Story”